A New Day
by Casandra
Summary: Buffy/Willow SLASH Buffy’s thoughts after the events of ‘Normal Again’ Buffy’s POV
1. Chapter 1

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A New Day Chapter 1

Author: Casandra

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Email: rozwellrulz@aol.com

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Disclaimer: Joss and ME own em, I don't, doesn't that suck? LOL

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Rating: PG-13. I still can't seem to write anything naughty. But there is mild language

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Warning: If the idea of two consenting adult woman involved in a romantic relationship bothers you, well you better run.

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Distribution: Well Realm Of the Shadow(http://www.mts.net/~shadow27/index.htm) is nice enough to host my other fics, so they're more than welcome to it. Anybody is free to as well, just please drop me a line.

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Feedback: Graciously appreciated

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Pairing: Buffy/Willow, who else?

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Spoilers: Big ones for 'Normal Again'. Anything else is pretty much fair game with me, so be warned.

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Summary: Buffy's thoughts after the events of 'Normal Again' Buffy's POV 

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Author's Note: Ok, well I guess I'm taking up Dan's challenge here, at least a little bit. I have no idea how this one is gonna turn out cause honestly I'm pretty much winging it. I felt like writing and this is what happened LOL Be warned. I've also used Celine Dion's new song, 'A New Day Has Come' to sort set the mood in the fic. It's not really a songfic though. Or maybe is, I'm not really sure. Pardon my rambling, it's after midnight and I've had one too many Cherry Cokes. So if it sucks blame the Coke company LOL

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I've never been much for pop music, but apparently the only radio station that will come through on my little portable radio is just that, pop. But I'd rather have that than nothing at all. For some reason the idea of being out here alone in the quiet is disconcerting. I'm afraid if I sit too long alone with nothing but my own thoughts to listen to I might just drive myself back into that sanitarium my mind conjured up. So I sit here on the back porch in one of the sturdy wooden chairs, contemplating just how much has happened in the last few days, and for the first time in as long as I can remember, looking forward to what might lie ahead.

If I had known that it would take almost losing all my friends to snap me out of my self imposed depression, well I think I'd gladly be depressed for the rest of my life. As long as that may be this time. I honestly can't believe I let it come to almost that. Sure I have an excuse, the demon poison was the real reason behind my attempted murder of all the people I love. But I could have very easily stopped it from going as far as it did. If I would have just drank the antidote when Willow gave it to me, none of it would have happened. But once again I let Spike get to me. I was lying when I said he isn't a part of my life, he is, the very worst part. The biggest mistake I've ever made. 

And when he threatened to expose the worst thing I've done to the people that matter most to me, I reached my breaking point. I didn't want to live in a world where I lost everything I loved because I made some really bad decisions. So I gave into the delusion, and because I was once again weak when it came to Spike, I nearly lost them anyway.

I can remember sitting there, watching as one by one they all fell. It was almost like I was watching a movie play out in front of me. I was sitting in the corner of the sanitarium, I still remember how cold the wall felt against my cheek. But I can also remember that there was a nail pressing into my back as I sat under the stairs watching my best friends become demon lunchables. I honestly have no way to explain it. I saw and felt both, my mind in one place, my body in another. I saw Xander trying to protect Dawn, but getting tossed aside like he was nothing more than a sack of potatoes. And Dawn, poor Dawnie, she was screaming the whole time, and I just sat there doing nothing, watching. And then Willow came at the demon, baseball bat in hand, trying desperately to at least weaken it. I don't know if she thought she could hold it off long enough for me to come to the rescue like I've done so many times before. Or if she was just trying to protect everyone else by distracting the thing. All I know is that the second I saw her go down I knew that I had to do something. My mind and body worked together when I saw her hit the dirty basement floor, pure and utter terror gripped my entire being. And as I listened to my mother tell me to fight, that I could beat this, that their were people who loved me that would help me through it, I knew that I had found myself again. I knew that even if the gang found out about Spike and myself that they wouldn't abandon me. I can't remember the last time I wailed on a demon the way I did with wax boy. I finally felt the fire come back. And if Willow hadn't been tossed to the ground I seriously wonder if I ever would have found it again. 

It's amazing to me that I was the most in touch with my emotions, with who I really am, when I was turning into a nut job. But I can't help but be a tad bit thankful to the demon. It made me realize who I am, and who I love, finally. I smile a little bit at that thought when I hear a new song come across the radio. 

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A new day has come

A new day has come

I was waiting for so long

For a miracle to come

Everyone told me to be strong

Hold on and don't shed a tear

Yikes, this song hit's a bit close to home. This girl could be telling my life story for the last 7 months. 

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Through the darkness and good times

I knew I'd make it through

And the world thought I had it all

But I was waiting for you

Well I guess that fits too. It took me seeing her hurt to get myself together. The more I think about it, it's always been her. Maybe I wouldn't have had to wait if I would have been strong enough to admit it before.

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Hush now! I see a light in the sky

Oh! It's almost blinding me

I can't believe

I've been touched by an angel with love

Let the rain come down and wash away my tears

Let it feel my soul and drown my fears

Let it shatter the walls for a new sun

A new day has come

It definitely is a new day. And for the first time in months I'm looking forward to the possibilities that it holds.

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Where it was dark now there's light

Where there was pain now there's joy

Where there was weakness I found my strength

All in the eyes of a boy

OK, so wrong gender, but still, this lady really is singing my tune here.

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Hush now! I see a light in the sky

Oh! It's almost blinding me

I can't believe

I've been touched by an angel with love

Let the rain come down and wash away my tears

Let it feel my soul and drown my fears

Let it shatter the walls for a new sun

A new day has……

Let the rain come down and wash away my tears

Let it feel my soul and drown my fears

Let it shatter the walls for a new sun

A new day has come

Hush now! I see the light in your eyes

All in the eyes of a boy

I can't believe

I've been touched by an angel with love

I can't believe 

I've been touched by an angel with love

Hush now! 

A new day

Hush now!

A new day

"And that was Celine Dion, with the first single off her new album, 'A New Day Has Come'." The DJ's voice blasted over the speakers when the song wound down. Celine Dion huh? Never was the biggest fan, but the girl really seems to have my life down pat in that song.

"That's a really good song, don't you think? It kind of hits close to home." Willow, who's been standing there for god knows how long, says as she eases down into the chair beside me. She hands me a mug full of some kind of dark liquid and I wonder if she's just double checking that I took the antidote. She must see my apprehension because she smiles gently at me and explains. "Don't worry Buff, it's not anymore of that yucky antidote cocktail, just some herbal tea. I trust you, I know you took the serum when I gave it to you this time." That's my Will, trusting me even when she knows she probably shouldn't. I honestly don't know what I did to deserve that kind of faith that she has in me. But I thank my lucky stars now that she does. "You never did tell me why you didn't drink it the first time I gave it to you."

Uh-oh, how do I answer that one? 'Yeah Will, sorry about that, I was just worried that Spike was going to blab all about our numerous rolls around his crypt, so I decided the crazy life was better' As ridiculous as it sounds though, I really want to tell her the truth. I can't start moving on with my life until I've dealt with the mistakes of my past. "Actually about that Will, there's something I need to tell you, something I should have told you a while ago."

"Sure Buffy, you know you can tell me anything." She moves a little closer to me and looks right into my eyes, holding my gaze and giving me her full attention.

" Well, you see, I was sorta seeing someone. Well not really seeing someone, we never dated or anything, we just kinda, well we………" I trailed off not really knowing how to put into words what it was that Spike and I had. We didn't make love, nothing close to that. It was carnal, and animalistic, there was nothing at all loving about it. It wasn't even sex. We screwed, plain and simple. We didn't make love, we didn't have sex, we screwed like two small minded animals. God, it disgusts me to even think about it. But I can't just come right out and say that I was screwing someone, I'll scare Willow off even before she finds out who it was. "I was having sex with someone." Well that's as descriptive as I'm gonna get, she'll understand that in no uncertain terms.

"You uh, were, uh, sleeping with someone you weren't, well, dating? Not that it's a terrible thing or anything like that, it just well, you know it surprises me, and you're just not normally into stuff like that, cause well you've had relationships before not just, uh, sex and.." Ah, the return of Willow babble. How I've missed that. I used to love just letting her go, not stopping her, just to see if she'd wear herself out. I've always found it utterly adorable.

"Easy Will, disengage babble. Yes I was having sex with someone, someone that I never dated, someone I would never even consider dating. And I'm so ashamed of it." Willow placed her hand over top my own and gently squeezed, trying to comfort me as only she can.

"I don't understand though Buffy, why would you do that with a person you wouldn't even date?"

"I don't really even understand it myself sometimes. It was just sex. No love, no feelings, nothing. And I couldn't stop myself. I was like a moth drawn to the flame. I've been so detached since I've been back, and for some reason, when I was with him, I could forget all about that and just be, just exist." Even now that the freak show with Spike is over, I still can't really explain why I ever did it in the first place.

"But it's over then? I mean, you're not still sleeping with him are you?" If I didn't know better I would think that Willow seems a bit anxious about my answer, nervous even.

"No, I broke it off with him right after Riley left. And before you even ask, it had absolutely nothing to do with being jealous of Sam. But when I saw them together, when I saw how happy they were, it made me realize just how much I want to be happy too. And I could never be happy with this person, I don't love them, I know I never will." Honestly, I'm not sure what would have happened if Riley hadn't come back. I might still be sleeping with Spike, I might not be. But for the first time in a long time, I didn't want to settle for being completely miserable with Spike.

"Who?"

I know there's no turning back now, I've already loosened the cork, time to see where it flies.

"Spike."

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TBC


	2. Chapter 2

5 minutes later and she still hasn't said a word. I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing. I've never known Willow to be so quiet. She's known for her babble, not her pointed silence. I'm beginning to lean towards the side of badness now. "Will? Are you ok? I think I broke you or something." Well my attempt at lightening up the mood didn't make me feel any better, so I'm assuming it didn't put her at any more ease either.

"Huh? Uh no, no breaking, I'm ok, not broken in the least bit. Surprised definitely, but not broken." Willow manages to babble out enough to assure me that she indeed is still capable of speech. But that still doesn't help me figure out how bad her reaction to my dirty little secret is going to be.

"Please don't hate me, I don't know what I can say or do to keep you from hating me, but I'll do whatever it takes. I don't know why I did it, I still can't explain it. And I never wanted to tell you, because I was afraid you'd hate me." I'm starting to cry now, tears slowly dripping from my eyes and finding their way down my cheeks, leaving solitary wet tracks in their wake.

Willow quickly turns her head around to look at me as I continue to gently sob. I've managed to curl myself up into a ball in the chair and have buried my head into the material of my sweat pants. "Buffy, I could never, NEVER, hate you. I don't want you ever thinking that. And not to bring up a bad subject, but you almost killed all of us, granted it wasn't your fault, but if I was going to hate you for something, that would be the more likely candidate." Willow gets up out of her chair and kneels down in front of me. I manage to look up at her through watery eyes and see that gentle, loving smile that she's always had. "I'm not gonna say it doesn't bother me that you slept with Spike, because it does. But I would never hate you because of it."

"I'm so sorry Willow, I don't know why I did it, I really don't. Can you ever forgive me?" I'm acting like I cheated on her or something. I hope she doesn't pick up on that, because then I'm definitely going to be blown out of the water.

"Buffy, it's your life, what you do with it has nothing to do with me. There's nothing that I have to forgive you for, you didn't do anything to me." She smiles again and takes my hand in her own warm palm and squeezes reassuringly. "But I will tell you what I told the Bot last spring.."

"The Bot?" Ok, I don't have a clue what she's talking about. I never knew that she and the Bot had an encounter. I can't help feeling a little bit hurt again. They apparently had a conversation and she still couldn't tell it wasn't me.

"Uh yeah, she showed up at Xander's apartment looking for Spike, and I answered the door. We went out on the terrace so we wouldn't wake everyone else up." Willow's blushing a little bit, so I imagine she's thinking about the same thing I am, how she couldn't have known it wasn't me. "I still can't believe I didn't know it wasn't you, I mean I knew there was something wrong with her, I mean besides the obvious, being Spike's sex slave and…….." I turned my head away when she said that. Yep, I managed to turn myself into a copy of Spike's disgusting sex bot. Oh how the mighty have fallen. She must have seen me flinch because she immediately looks apologetic. "Oh god Buffy I'm sorry, that came out completely wrong, I just meant, well I mean that, well uh…."

"Will, it's ok. I know what you meant. The thought that I would ever be Spike's sex toy was completely beyond the realm of comprehension. Trust me, I'm really well aware of that. It's one of the reasons I didn't tell you guys. I mean how could I ever sleep with him, he's an evil, self involved creature of the night, what the hell was I thinking!" I've always been really good at the self incrimination, and this time I actually deserve each and every accusation.

"Buffy…"

"No Willow, it's not your fault, so don't even think of apologizing. A year ago the idea that I would be sleeping with Spike was definitely a dead give away that I wasn't myself. So I can understand that would pique your suspicions. Just tell me what you told her, maybe it will make me feel better. You tend to have a calming effect on me." I said the last part barely above a whisper, hoping she heard me and still a bit afraid that she in fact had. She must have, because she reached up and gently wiped a errant tear off my cheek.

"Buffy, I told her that I would be her best friend, your best friend, no matter what you did. I told her that I would always be here, and I just wanted to help her, you. And then she proceeded to tell me I was recently gay which really raised my suspicions even more!" She snorted a bit, and I swear it was the cutest sound I've ever heard. And I couldn't help laughing along with her. If the Bot was anything it certainly was blunt. It kind of reminded me of Anya in that sense. "In any case Buffy, all that stands, I'll always be your best friend, no matter who you're dating, or who you're sleeping with. My friendship and loyalty is unconditional" If I was ever going to doubt anything she's ever said to me, it would never be that. She's proven time and time again that I can count on her for anything. She's the most loyal person I've ever known. Even though Xander has stood at my side with her all these years, it's never been quite the same. He always had a grudge against Angel, and didn't hesitate to voice his opinions. When we found the curse to restore Angel's soul he put up a huge argument against it. Not Willow, she went against her lifelong friend to back me up. She was willing to risk her life to give me back the man I loved. I don't think I'll ever be able to repay her for the years she's stood by me unquestionably.

"Will, I don't know how to thank you for that. You've always been so good to me. And what do I do? When you need me I'm off rolling around in crypt dust with our resident undead. God, why do you stay with me?" I honestly can't figure it out. Why would she stay here with me when I'm never there for her. She gives and gives and all I do is take from her, never giving anything back in return. How can she put up with me after all this?

"Buff, I think you're missing something about the unconditional part here. I love you, you're my best friend. And that means I'm willing to do anything I have to for you. I won't lie and say I didn't miss you when you weren't there. I miss you all the time when you aren't around. But you were going through things of your own. And you have to come first, not me." Willow is still stroking the tears away. And a part of me never wants to stop crying in the hopes that she'll chase every single drop away with her soft, gentle fingertips

"But it's not fair to you, Will. You needed me, for once I could help you, not the other way around, and I wasn't there. Some best friend I am."

"You are the best friend I could ever hope to have Buffy Summers, so stop that right now." She said it so forcefully I couldn't help but try and believe her, even though deep down I know better. "Now, end of that discussion. I don't want you ever thinking that you aren't worth it ok, because nothing could be farther from the truth."

"Ok" I replied meekly. I still thought otherwise, but I was beginning to see the 'Resolve Face' forming, so I decided to just give in. But a heavy conversation like this was in need of one more thing before it could be laid to rest. "Just one more thing Will?"

"What's that?"

"A hug?"

The smile that lit up her face was so warm that I could have basked in the glow all night long. But before I had the chance she wrapped her arms tightly around me and drew me in for the most loving hug I can ever remember sharing with her. And in that moment, for the first time in almost a year, I felt safe, I felt loved, I felt like I had come home.

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	3. Chapter 3

After our extended hug that neither of us seemed to want to break came to it's unfortunate conclusion Willow lowered herself back into the chair next to me, gently sipping her herbal tea. I have to admit, for someone who doesn't go for any type of tea, herbal or otherwise, I was thoroughly enjoying her concoction. Maybe it was just that I knew Willow made it for me and that added a little something extra to it that made it taste sweeter somehow. Or maybe I'm just turning into an incredible sap! After taking a healthy gulp of the steamy liquid I glanced over at Willow again, saddened to see the morose expression crossing her features. "What's the matter Will?"

She jumped as if I had startled her, which worried me even more. "Oh, nothing's wrong Buffy, don't worry, I'm completely fine." She smiled one of those fake smiles that she always uses when she doesn't want me to worry. And inevitably there is always something I should be worried about. I'm guessing this time is no different.

"Well if this is fine, I'd hate to see you on a bad day. Come on, you know you can tell me. It might help you to get it off your chest." 

Willow sucked in a lung full of air, then let it out slowly, sighing resignedly. "It's Tara. Or more precisely, me and Tara."

I'm beginning to think I shouldn't have asked. The last thing I really want to hear about is their relationship, especially given the thoughts I've been having the last few days about my best friend. But I would do anything to make her feel better, even if it does make me feel uncomfortable. "What about you and Tara? Is it still about that girl you saw her with the other day?" Ah yes, lets bring up that conversation Buffy, way to get yourself in trouble. When I told her that once you fall for her you stay fallen, I honestly said it to make her feel better. I believed it whole heartedly, I know Tara still loves her. But now that I've had the time to think about it, and now that I've LET myself think about it, I was saying it from experience as well. Once you fall for her, you never get back up. I never have, and I never want to. Of course it takes a case of the crazies to put everything into a crystal clarity.

"Sort of. I mean seeing Tara with that other girl hurt, you saw how mopey I was after it. But I wasn't raging with jealousy or anything, and I find that so strange. I was hurt, but I wasn't jealous, does that make any sense?" Willow looked at me, her eyebrows knitting into a confused expression. Of course I found it incredibly adorable. I never realized how cute she constantly is. How could I have gone 6 years without seeing that? Or maybe I did and I suppressed it, I actually wouldn't be surprised if that were the case.

"Sure it makes sense Willow. I mean it hurt you to think that maybe Tara was moving on, that's totally natural."

"But why wasn't I jealous of the other girl then? That's what doesn't make sense."

She's actually kind of right, I can't figure out why she would be hurt and not jealous. Unless maybe she doesn't want Tara back as much as I thought? "Well maybe, maybe you're hurt because you realize that you and Tara aren't, well, aren't gonna get back together?"

Willow looks at me sadly for a moment, but then a small smile forms at the corners of her mouth. "How do you do that?"

"Do what?" Yeah, I'm a tad bit confused now.

Willow shakes her head a bit at my bewildered expression and then turns back around, smile still firmly in place. "How do you know what I'm thinking before I even know what it is I'm thinking about?" She sighs a bit and the smile disappears as she leans back into the chair again. "You're right though, Tara and I are over. I've accepted that, and I think it's probably the best thing for both of us. I know a part of me will always love her, but somewhere in the middle of everything that has been happening lately, I realized I had fallen out of love with her. In fact, I'm not even completely sure I was IN love to begin with."

That surprises me, because for almost a year Willow and Tara were the epitome of the couple in love. Always holding hands, smiling away at each other, it used to make me really jealous sometimes. Of course I always chalked it up to jealousy over what they had together, not over what Tara had instead of me. I know better now. "Will, what do you mean you aren't sure you were in love with her. I saw you guys, I was there, it sure looked like love to me." Yeah Buff, way to give yourself a chance with her, by convincing her that she really is in love with the other woman. Nice. 

"Sure, we held hands and everything. But Buffy, you and I used to hold hands all the time in high school, and we, well, you know." She blushes as I try and hold back the hurt expression from crossing my face. I held Willow's hand in high school because it felt like the most natural thing in the world to me. I held her hand because with her I felt safe. When she would offer up her arm for me to link through I always felt like I was home. She mustn't have felt the same way, because she's passing off our intimacies as nothing more than………friendship. Who am I kidding, that's all they ever were, at least at the time. Looking back it means so much more, but back then it was like second nature that I didn't even question it. Before I can chase that thought anymore Willow continues. "And yes we were lovers. But now that I think about it, there was always something just a tad bit off about it. I do love her, dearly, but I still wonder if I was actually in love with her or not. I mean how can you be in love with two…………." She looks up horrified as she trails off. She's in love with someone else, or at least was? I won't even begin to let myself even start to have a shred of hope, because I know I would never be that lucky. So who would the other person be then? Oh, right, Oz. That still doesn't explain why she looked so freaked a second ago……

"You think you couldn't have been in love with Tara when you're still in love with Oz?"

She looks a bit relieved with my question, which is kinda odd, cause I still can't figure out why she was upset to begin with. A slow, almost sensuous smile starts creeping over her lips, one that sends a small shiver of desire running through my limbs. "Buffy, can I ask you something?"

"Ask away." Why do I feel like I'm suddenly sitting in front of the firing squad?

"Do you remember that conversation we had the other day, when you asked me about Tara?"

Gulp.

"Sure I do, but what does that have to do…….." She cuts me off before I have the chance to get the sentence out. Not that it really matters, I was stalling anyway.

"Do you remember what you said to me?"

Ok, calm Buffy, just play it as natural as possible. I can't lie to her. "Yeah, I told you that I was sure that the girl Tara was with was just a friend, and that once you fall for Willow, you stay fallen. And I'm sure that's true, I know Tara loves you."

"That was probably the sweetest thing you've ever said to me, do you know that?" Willow thought it was sweet? Well that's a check in the plus column for me. Now my curiosity is really piqued though, because now I know that she's centering on my little heartfelt comment. This can either turn out really good, or extremely depressingly bad. And the way my luck has been going….. "Of course you've managed to flatter me on numerous occasions. I mean first there was that whole thing when you were worried about Malcolm. Sure you had a reason to be suspicious, but you didn't know that at the time. Do you remember what you said?"

How could I forget that, I remember I was really worried about her. And if I want to admit it now, jealous. It's funny, now that I look back on things from our past together it amazes me how much I overlooked. It's so clear to me now, I must have been blind back then not to see what was happening to me. How I was falling in love with her. "Besides being all bitchy at you because you skipped classes to talk to him?"

She rolls her eyes a bit at me in mock exasperation. "Yes, besides the lecture I got, do you remember what else you said. It was right after I told you about him, we were sitting in the computer lab."

"And you started to think that you weren't his ideal girl. And I hated seeing you doubt yourself. I told you that I just wanted to make sure he was good enough for you. And I think it's safe to say that my doubts were warranted!"

"I never told you how much that meant to me, how much I appreciated you looking out for me like that. It meant the world to me Buffy, thank you." Willow reached over and took my hand in her own. I love the feeling of her hand in mine, it's like two perfect interlocking puzzle pieces. Like they were made to fit together. 

"No need to thank me Will, protecting you is like second nature to me." I actually said that didn't I? While it's the pure and utter truth, she really didn't need to know that. But since we seem to be in such a share mood with each other I guess it can't hurt that much.

"And why do you think I stayed here with you in Sunnydale. Helping you, being by your side, it's just as natural to me. Of course you can make it rather difficult when you get too protective." She's got me there, I can be a really stubborn ass sometimes, especially when it comes to her.

"Hey! I am not THAT stubborn!"

She ignores that, but still has the bit of a smug smile on her face. I know she knows better, and she knows I know she knows better, so I'll let that one slide. "Do you know what else you said to me that I still cherish to this day?"

Over the years I can remember saying a lot of things to Willow to try and boost her self confidence. I always hated seeing her doubt herself, it always amazed me how she couldn't see herself for the gorgeous young woman that she is. But I can't exactly tell her that. So it's dodge city I guess. "When I assured you that you still wore the smarty pants in the family? Cause trust me, there are no worries there." 

"Buffy! You know I don't mean that. Of course it is nice to feel secure in my brainyness thank you very much. But I didn't mean that. I meant what you said when I first started dating Oz." Oh, that something. I can't believe she still remembers that, it was back in our Junior year, and it was just one small little remark I made because she was worried that Oz wasn't that interested. "You asked me what guy could resist, and I quote, 'my wily Willow charms'. And of course my insecurity made itself known again and told you that all of them could. And then you tried again to make me feel better, you said that all of them get an F in Willow. Do you remember that?"

"Of course I do. Like I said, I always hated when you would get so insecure like that. It always amazed me that you couldn't see yourself like I see you….." Whoo boy, I'm letting more and more slip, she's bound to figure it out sooner or later at the rate I'm going.

"And that brings me back to the conversation this week. How do you know that once you fall for me you stay fallen? Did you mean Tara, Buffy?" She gazes into my eyes, love and sincerity etched into their emerald depths. I can't lie to her, I won't. If I ever had my chance, I think this is it.

"No, I didn't mean Tara, Willow"

"Then what made you say that?"

Deep breath, and exhale, one, two, three. I can do this. It's just a couple of words, I can say it.

"I said it from personal experience. I know that once you fall for you, you stay there."

She looks so cute, her eyebrows scrunched up in confusion, but I can see the beginnings of a smile forming on her lips. "Personal experience?" She gulps a bit. And amazingly I'm not afraid anymore, the words aren't caught in the back of my throat.

"Once you fall, you stay fallen. And I never want to get up, Will."


	4. Conclusion

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"You, uh, huh?" Willow looks completely shocked. Which really worries me and kind of surprises me at the same time. I thought maybe she might have had a bit of an inkling, and that's why she headed the conversation in this direction. Apparently not, because it sure doesn't look like she expected the answer I just gave her. If I hadn't broken her before, I think I might have just got the job done now. "You, you never want to, uh…..get up?"

Well the cat's already out of the bag, there's no reason to not follow through on it now. I've probably already blown our relationship to bits, why not finish what I started. Ugh, I should have just kept quiet. 

I get up out of my chair and kneel down in front of her, slowly, making sure that she's not going to bolt and knock me flat on my butt in the process. Her eyes are shimmering with unshed tears, but I honestly can't tell if they're the good kind of tears or the horrified and disgusted kind. I take her hand in mine and when she doesn't pull away I take that as silent permission to answer her. "Never. Once somebody falls in love with you, there is no chance of them ever stopping. I should know."

"Buffy, are you saying what I think you're saying?" 

I know she knows the answer. Like I said, she has always worn the smarty pants in the family. I think she just needs to hear me say it. "I love you Willow."

She looks at me for a minute and for the first time that I can ever remember I honestly have no idea what she's thinking. Her expression gives nothing away. I'm not sure if that's bad or not. "But you mean best friend love right, not, you know, not the other kind. You're not in love with me, not that kind of love?" She actually looks nervous, but I swear I can see a glimmer of hope in her jade eyes. That glimmer is all I need to continue.

"Not best friend love, although I do love you as my best friend. But it's so much more than that. It's the kind of love that totally consumes my entire being Will. I've been thinking about you non stop, everything that I've been doing, everywhere I go, you're always in my thoughts. When I patrol I wonder what you're doing, if you're safe. When I go to bed at night all I dream about is you. What it would be like to hold you, to kiss you, to make love to you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you in my arms, and the hell with the rest of the world, because I know, that as long as you're there, everything is perfect. And I know that I will never feel this way about anybody else."

I pause, gathering the courage to say the next words. Although from my little outburst I'm sure I don't really need to say them, I made the picture more than clear.

"I'm in love with you, Will."

I don't think it gets anymore crystal than that. The ball's in her court now, which pretty much scares me more than any of the hell creatures I've faced over the years.

She looks down at our linked hands for a moment and then looks back up at me, catching my gaze. The tears that were building up have managed to brim over and are now coursing their way down her pale cheeks. But I honestly don't think I've ever seen her look more beautiful. She slowly brings our joined hands up to her cheek and nuzzles the back of my hand. This is a definite good sign.

"Do you know how long I've dreamt about this moment? How long I've wished one day you would come to me and tell me that you felt the same way about me that I've always felt for you?"

Does that mean…………?

"The same way? Will, do you mean…………"

She places a kiss against my knuckles and then sits up in her chair so that our lips are mere inches apart. "I love you Buffy. I've been in love with you for years. I just never thought………"

I didn't let her finish, I knew all I needed to. She loves me too! I crossed the small space between us and captured her lips with my own. I was tentative at first, adjusting to the newness of it all. But I've never tasted anything as wonderful, never experienced anything remotely as exhilarating, as Willow's kiss. Her lips are the softest thing I could imagine, they felt like pure silk against my own. As long as I live I'll never forget what our first kiss felt like. It was bliss, pure and simple.

I pulled away reluctantly when something she said earlier registers with me. "When you said two people, you weren't talking about Oz were you?"

She smiles that gentle, sweet smile of hers and quickly drops another loving peck onto my slightly swollen lips. "No, I didn't mean Oz. When I said that I didn't think I was ever in love with Tara it was because I've always been in love with you. I don't think it's possible that I was in love with her too. Not with how much I love you."

I'm awestruck. I never thought that when she was with Tara she loved me. I never would have figured it out. "I never would have known Will, you never said anything at all. I mean we've said 'I love you' to each other plenty of times, but I never would have thought you meant it this way." I motioned between the two of us, tracing a fingertip over her slightly swollen bottom lip. "You really know how to keep a secret. And here I thought we agreed that there was a rule about that, hmm?" I couldn't help it, I love when she blushes and gets flustered, even if it was a dirty trick.

"Well I do have a confession to make. I did sort of tell you once, or at least I came close to telling you. And when I did I knew you wouldn't think anything of it. I really kind of took advantage of the situation. And I've felt horrible about it ever since. But I just hated seeing you in pain, and I thought that maybe it would make you feel better knowing that I was there for you. But it was kinda selfish of me, plus it was the chicken's way of telling you too." I can't remember anytime when I thought there might have been more to her words than just unconditional friendship, so I'm really confused.

"Will, I honestly have no idea what you're talking about. You told me before that you were in love with me?"

"Well not in so many words. I never actually used the term 'in love', but that's definitely how I meant it."

"When?" I'm definitely curious, cause I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have missed something that important.

Willow looks down guiltily for a second before returning her gaze to mine. "I was hugging you, and I told you I loved you so much."

No wonder she felt guilty about it, that happened right after Mom died. We were in the hospital lounge and she came up to me and hugged me so tight. I remember I latched on to her like a lifeline. I thought maybe if I could just borrow some of her strength that I could make it through that day. I can't hold it against her though, because honestly, when she said that, it did help me. I felt her support, and it made that day just a tad bit less horrible. "And I said I know. You're right though, I didn't think twice about it. I've always relied on your strength and support that it didn't even occur to me."

"I'm sorry Buffy. I said it knowing you wouldn't think anything of it. And it made me feel better knowing that I had told you, in a roundabout way. There you were going through the hardest thing in your life and I'm trying to sneak my real feelings into our hug." Willow looks away ashamed. 

It really doesn't bother me. She's right, I didn't think anything of it, but now that I look back on it, that was the first time she said 'I love you' to me without me saying it first. And the 'so much' kind of is a dead giveaway, but I was just so preoccupied that I didn't let myself think about it. I'm just starting to realize how long I've loved her, so if she's been carrying around the same thing I'm feeling with her for years, I can't blame her for wanting to get it off her chest. And I know Willow well enough to know that it was probably only about 10 percent selfishly motivated, she really was just trying to comfort me the best way she knew how. "Will, you don't have to apologize." I stroke away a tear that is slinking it's way down her already moist cheek. "You being there, holding my hand, giving me your support, it made that day just a little bit easier. You're right, I've never gone through something as hard as losing Mom, that day was probably the worst day of my entire life. But when you came up to me and wrapped your arms around me, and told me that you loved me, for just that one moment, even with everything going on, I felt better. I felt better knowing that you loved me, because I knew that you would be there when the dust settled. I knew you would help me through it, comfort me. So you don't need to apologize for being my best friend."

"But I took…."

I placed a gentle fingertip against her lips, effectively silencing the protest I knew was going to come. As much as I'm into the self blame, I think she's managed to pick up a few pointers over the years. "No buts Will, you helped me that day. And I know you, you didn't say it out of selfishness. You were trying to be supportive, and so you snuck a little bit more sentiment in there than usual, so what. You were there for me, and that's all that matters." I took my finger away and replaced it with my lips, barely brushing them against hers, trying to prove that there was nothing for her to feel sorry for. After a few blissful moments I pulled back to make sure that she believed me. The returning gaze almost knocked me back off my feet. I've never seen such pure, unwavering love in someone's eyes before. I've always felt Willow's love for me, on a friendship level at least, because all I ever had to do was look into her gorgeous emerald eyes. They say that some people wear their heart on their sleeve. Well Willow's heart is in her eyes, those vast pools of warmth and caring have been my lifeline for years. But not once have I ever seen so much love in them before, and I realize that it's all directed at me. I don't think anyone could be more lucky than I am at this very moment.

I must have been staring for a while because I notice that Willow's cheeks are slightly pink, which means I must have made her blush. She reaches up and strokes away an errant strand of blonde hair from my forehead. "What are you thinking about?"

"I love you." It makes me feel so good to say it, I can't even begin to describe the feeling. 

Willow chuckles softly and continues playing with the wisps of hair at my temple. "I love you too." I love the feeling when I say it to her, but it's infinitely better when she says it back. "But what were you thinking about just now?"

Sometimes, even though she's probably the smartest person I know, with the possible exception being Giles, she can be so dense that it's cute. "That's it. I was thinking about how much I love you. And yes, I'm very well aware that the mighty Slayer is turning into a mushball as I say this."

"Aww, my mushbally Slayer, whatever will we do with you?" I can think of a few things at the moment, and they aren't so much sweet as they are naughty. But there is one thing, one fantasy I guess you would call it, that I've always wanted to do with her.

"I can think of quite a few things now that you mention it Will." I gave her a lecherous grin, just to see her blush again. My plan worked pretty well, because she's almost beet red. I'm so mean. "But, there is one thing I've wanted to do, if you're up for it?"

She looks at me pensively for a brief moment and then a small seductive smile forms at the corner of her lips. "I think I might be up for just about anything." I take that as a yes, and quickly stand up, pulling her out of her chair as I do so. I pull her forward and quickly slide into the chair that I just yanked her out of. And without any hesitation I grasped her gently around the waist and pull her into my lap. "What exactly are you doing?" Willow grins at me, amusement and a small amount of confusion dancing in her sparkling eyes.

"I just wanted to be close to you, to hold you. Just for a little while, if that's ok?"

She relaxes in my arms and leans back, resting her head softly against my shoulder. "It's more than ok Buff, I could stay like this forever actually." She turns a bit in my arms and drops a sweet kiss onto my lips before returning her head to my shoulder.

"Forever sounds just fine to me Will."

I place a gentle kiss to her forehead and tighten my grip around her waist, grasping her hands in the process and interlocking them together with my own. I have my fire back, my purpose, and I finally have my Willow. The future starts now.

The End


End file.
